Just Breathe.

My oh my, it has been quite a while since I updated this blog. Sorry for all of you who have been checking every day hoping for a post, as if.

Life has been better.
Life has been worse.

Being in Minnesota with my family is pretty awesome.

Being in Minnesota without my husband is pretty much the loneliest.

I found a job at a hotel here in Maple Grove. It is not the best pay, but I'm working almost full-time and it is really easy stuff. I'm basically a janitor. I clean all the common areas at night. Second shift. I spend six to eight hours alone, cleaning. Often not seeing or talking to a human being for hours. It's kind of perfect.

You see, the more I fly back and forth between India and Minnesota, the more withdrawn I am becoming. I prefer alone time or else I follow my mother around the house like Peaches does.

It is quite depressing to be home during this freezing, snowy weather without the one human being you love most. It's quite depressing falling asleep alone every night and waking up alone every morning. I pray that Romel and I will never have to be separated again.

It's all because of money and immigration stuff. I could go back to India tomorrow, but I don't have a plane ticket and the sole purpose of my being here is to pay the lawyer so that we can finally start this process.

Romel is with his family in Nagaland right now experiencing the same things as I am, minus the working part. Getting a job in India without a college degree is pretty pointless because you will literally be paid next to nothing. So, it's up to me to be the bread winner this season of our lives and that is hard for Romel, as the man, to swallow. I don't like it either, but what else can I do?

I feel like I'm not quite trusting God like I should be. I haven't quite let go of this control that I think I have over my life.

All I am asking for is money, but I hate only asking for money. I feel like I only approach the Amazing, Perfect, Magnificent Creator and King with stuff I need and not with anything to offer or give up. I got a lot of stuff to give up but I'm like a child holding onto my little toys so very tightly.

Sigh.

Bling Blingin' yo.

I was at Target the other day just getting a drink at Starbucks and this couple came up to order while I was waiting for my drink. They were the epitome of how I think Indians stereotypically picture Americans in their mind. I don't know if they were married, but they were engaged at least and her ring looked like this:

No joke. She had bleach blonde hair and was very skinny, wearing heels with jeans and a heavier application of make-up. Her purse was most likely designer. Her man was wearing a tight T-shirt, you know those ones with all the graphics on it like this:

And some sort of designer jeans with leather shoes and a blingin' wristwatch with his arm around his girl's waist. I almost wanted to thank them for keeping the stereotype alive. I wondered how much money they had collectively and if they'd ever consider giving any to me. Mostly, I just thought how many much-needed things they could have bought for an Indian family with the money they spent on their collective outfits that day.

I was able to Skype with the Fiancée on Saturday night and it was truly wonderful. Here are some screenshots. These were both taken after I told him, "I'm taking a picture of you so do something."

I am beginning a life of more healthy living today. Which means no more fast food and less sugar (if possible!!) I also will be doing INSANITY every day with Shaun T. Or at least I hope to. I figure if I write it on here for all to read then I'd be more likely to follow through this time. 

Good-bye Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

And now, me wearing a dress I wouldn't normally be caught dead in. I never was one for the thin-strapped tank tops (or vest tops if you're Indian) but thought I'd be a little risque today. Which isn't at all "risque" by American standards, but those reading this blog in India should avert their eyes now.

I also dyed my hair today which you can't really tell by this picture, but you should see it soon enough if you are coming to my Bible Study beginning TOMORROW NIGHT!! It's at my parent's house and starts at 7:00PM so please be there if you are able! Tomorrow will just be a little introduction and next week will be the first teaching, so it's okay if you miss tomorrow's (I guess, if you haaaaaave to) but you CANNOT miss next Tuesday's if you want to be a part of this. It's the foundation for the whole rest of the study!

I'm also having a garage sale this weekend at my parents to raise funds for Indian stuff. Mostly I need money to file a form for my Fiancée's next attempt at a visa and also money to get my passport renewed since it expires in March. If you have any stuff you would be willing to give me to sell let me know! I'll try to come pick it up before Friday! Preferable pricey things, but anything will do! If you're interested we'll be selling a lot of books. Tons of books. Mostly Science Fiction and Christianish, but seriously, a ton of books.

The SALE will go on Friday-Sunday 9-4 PM each day! Come on out and chill or peruse or bring some refreshments or anything!

I can't get enough of this song. Not a usual choice for me. Eminem? But I am growing to like him, especially his latest stuff. Keep in mind, the f-bomb is dropped frequently in this song, but if you like Bruno Mars and Eminem then have a listen, or if you're up for something you wouldn't normally listen to. It's a rather nice beat and piano sound.

I Feel Like Such a Mooch.

you: Hey! I miss you so much! Let's hang out!
me: Yes, totally! I miss you too! When do you want to hang out?
you: Let's hang out on this day next week! I can't wait to see you!!!!
me: Yeah, totally awesome, I can't wait! It works for me as I am doing nothing at all that day!!!

What goes on in my head until that day comes: What will we be doing? Anything we do will involve money and I can't even bring myself to pay $5 for a meal because it's double the amount for a meal in India. I don't have that kind of money, I have to pay for gas eventually and it's like $3.99 a gallon and I do not have that kind of money. Will they pay for me or are they expecting me to pay for myself like all Americans would assume? Will I have to be the d-bag who says "oh, btw I have no money" when we get to the register? Will I have to be the jerk who cancels at the last minute because I have no money and would hate to put that kind of pressure on someone...even if it's someone I haven't seen for a very, very long time? Why do things have to be so expensive??? Why did I have to buy that perfume yesterday when I didn't need it and therefore can't afford to do anything else this week?? WHY AM I SO BAD WITH MY FINANCES? WHY HAVEN'T I LEARNED FROM MY PAST MISTAKES??? Why can't they just say up front they'll pay for me if that's what they're thinking? Is it weird to ask if they're expecting to pay for me or me to pay for myself? How will I afford to pay my electricity bill in India if I spend the same amount I would for a month's electricity on dinner that day? (Electric bill for this month: $17.09. Dinner at a restaurant: $17.09) WHAT TO DO?? TELL ME WHAT TO DO, O WISE BRAIN OF MINE!!!!


I'll just stay home and watch Adventure Time with Finn and Jake or whatever it's called. 


And that's a glimpse of what's going on inside my head when people ask me to "hang out" upon coming back from India.

That's me holding all the money I have in my wallet. 50 rupees is equivalent to $1.09.

I called the Love of my life today finally. After an entire week since that fateful taxi ride to the airport, I called him. Oh how I miss his voice and face and laugh and words and broken English at times. Ahhhh. It is true that old adage: absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or the original saying that came from Roman poet, Sextus Propertius (wonder if that was his real name):

"Always toward absent lovers love's tide stronger flows."

Miss you, Boo.

I seriously need to get into a schedule. I find that if my life is scheduled I make wiser choices. I don't know how I have lost all self-control in my life. I've given up on controlling my surroundings which is fine, that's what God wants I think, but I seem to have also given up on controlling myself when it comes to everything. I don't even know where to begin. You'd think studying the Bible for so long would make me wiser and closer to perfection than ever before, but I am pretty sure it has brought me farther away. Perhaps that's the way wisdom goes. The more you know the more you realize how imperfect you really are. The more I get a hold of what needs to be done, the more I see how far I have fallen, and the more I see how much I need grace. Grace is a huge gift and I have always taken it for granted. I still do, but I am at least starting to see how important it is in my selfish life.

On another, completely un-related note, I'm listening to "Born This Way" by Gaga with my headphones on for the first time and am hearing little background things I have never heard before! And I've listened to this song a billion times. It's pretty cool actually. At the very beginning when she's talking, there's some cello or bass action going on. The harmonies and background vocals sound sweet also, as with the bass drum beat. I don't care what anyone says. I like Lady Gawgs.

But, I won't end with that controversial statement. I'll leave you with this question:

Has there been a time in your life you realized the importance of grace?
Have you ever struggled with self-control? 

Once there was a way...

I am beginning to consider stressing out. I know I shouldn't and there is no need for it, but I leave in precisely 19 days and only receive one more paycheck in that span of time. I have so many things I need still before I go and things I don't need, but would be nice to have, like an iPad and different type of visa. Both of which I don't need, but who wouldn't love an iPad and who wouldn't love a visa that allows you to stay in India for two years without having to leave? As of right now I'm going in on my tourist visa and will have to leave around Christmas for two months. Also as of right now I am the only female staff member for our school, so what will they do without the only female staff for two whole months? I have no idea, but again, not something I need to worry about. Life filled with worry is not a life to live. It's the life I have lived up until the last year. However, I've grown accustomed to faith and I have experienced worrying about things I can't change and also not worrying about things I can't change, and the latter is a much better way of living. Either option will not alter the impending result, I will just feel more at peace about the end result if I stop worrying about it now. And now I'm babbling.

As the deadline for departure comes ever closer, I begin to wonder if this really is what God wants me to do, and if I'm being obedient to him or if I'm doing something that I want to do without even consulting God or seeing if this is truly what he wants. Then I remember how much I don't like speaking, teaching, or leading a bunch of college age (my age!) people. And I remember how much I dislike flying on airplanes. Or how much I can't stand the heat of India. Or how about the fact that I am literally going to go crazy when monsoon happens and I'm stuck inside a moldy house or classroom all day. So, when I think about those things and realize that everything about going to India and teaching the Bible is everything I have never truly desired for myself, I know that it has not started out as my selfish desire, but has grown into my desire to do God's desire. If any of that makes any sense.

So, needless to say, I'm excited, nervous, scared, prepared yet so unprepared, willing and able to go to India and all that entails. All the people I loved most are leaving India though, suddenly, without so much as a warning. My Norwegian roommate whom I adore will be my roommate for two weeks, then she's going home. My best friend from Pune moved all the way to the Philippines for the next two years. My dear friend is most likely going to Mysore for his SBS the day after I arrive. So really, I still will have people that are near and dear to my heart there, but three of the major handful are leaving or already gone. God is quickly showing me that yes, I need relationships in this life and that is one of the most important factors of our life on earth, but they must never replace my relationship with Him. Which happens a lot in my life in particular.

Work here is going wonderfully. Kids are so funny. I love seeing how much they change even in just three months of me being in their lives. There is a little girl who used to be so quiet and sweet, and now she follows me everywhere and is always talking and so silly. Then, there's this other girl with down syndrom who I'll admit has always been a little intimidating just because she never listens to any of the teachers really and does what she wants when she wants where she wants, but yesterday for the first time ever she came up to me randomly and just hugged me and then went wherever I went and was really sweet to me. She listened to me when I told her to stop doing something and she let me put sunscreen on her which is not possible for any of the other teachers. Ahhh, I just love these kids. I'm sad they only get to be a part of my life for three months. Three months of all my years on this earth! I know that if I see any of them again it won't be for two years and they won't remember me. But that doesn't discourage me from building relationships with them. In the past it would have.

So, if you feel like helping a sister out, these are things I need before I leave in 19 days. If you don't feel like giving money, but want to help, this is a super practical way to help:

1. Guitar strings - Elixer light acoustic nano or poly, don't matter to me (I need to bring a ton of them with me since India's selection is so minuscule and I only use a certain brand for my guitar)

2. Girl's clothes - 3T or 4T (my school leader has a daughter who is turning three next month and they need some warmer clothes for Monsoon coming up and then for later in life too! So if you have some laying around you don't need anymore I would love to take them with me!)

3. Febreeze (yeah it gets pretty stinky during and after Monsoon cause of the water and mold)

4. Colored pencils - Crayola twistable ones (they work so good on a Bible you don't even know!)

5. How To Read The Bible For All Its Worth by Gordon D. Fee & Douglas Stuart (it's required reading for the outreach that I'll be doing shortly after arriving)

6. Digital camera - To keep you all updated with pictures and videos! (I need one of those "tough" cameras that are waterproof and drop proof and crush resistant and all that good stuff. I drop everything I own and it's a wonder my laptop hasn't yet fallen, but my iPod is dead from too many drops and my phone is barely hanging on. I like the Pentax W90,but any brand is good I suppose)

7. A Target gift card would be nice so I can get all those little things I need that I won't ask for like shampoo, face wash, vitamins, aleve, misc. toiletries.

8. I need someone like from the show Hoarders who would want to go through all my possessions with me and ask hard questions(don't worry, not as much as Hoarders would have) and be strict about keeping it or not, cause honestly, I want to get rid of everything I'm not bringing with me, but of course save some things. Clothes are my biggest stronghold.

That's all I can think of right now. Please pray for more female staff, peace about leaving, and that I wouldn't worry about God's provision of all that I need. That my last month home would be productive and not filled with idleness. That I would be wise with my money and time.

SATURDAY, JUNE 12th!!!!!
4:00 PM until WHENEVER
Come one, come all to my bon voyage/christmas/birthday party! We will play silly games, go swimming, and eat lots of food! Bring a towel, swimsuit, gift of $5 or less (wrapped in xmas paper) for a gift exchanging game, and mostly bring yourself! I want to see all of you before I head out. Please, please, please make an appearance!

At my parent's house! E-mail me or call me if you need the address!

New York, New York, I'm leaving today

Here I am in JFK Airport in New York. I have 4 hours until my flight leaves to Mumbai. I tell you what, this airport seems crazy! I always imagined a New York airport to be top of the line, but this seems a little ghetto even though I've only seen one area of it. I wish I had a longer layover here so I could taxi it up to see Ground Zero and Times Square.

Let's recap my day so far, shall we? I woke up this morning at 8:00 AM and took a shower. Afterward I went into my bedroom to put all my carry-on things into my carry-on bag and upon opening my wallet I discovered that my Passport was missing. I have kept my passport in my wallet for the last 9 months pretty much! I never take it out, I had no idea where it had gone. The time was approximately 9:00 when this happened. My mom, Grandma, and myself searched high and lo, I made phone calls to people and businesses it could have fallen out at. Nothing. I then walked past the kitchen table for the 20th time this morning and noticed a pile of receipts, the very receipts I had in my walled with my passport. I picked them up and there it was! A little dramatic, I know, but praise the Lord it was found!

Next was the fun task of dropping off my camera at a friends because it had died last night in the middle of a photo shoot with friends I won't see in awhile. My friend quickly drove to Best Buy to attempt swapping the camera for a new one because it obviously just sucks the life out of batteries, but she came to the airport with the same, broken camera and informed me I must call a number when I'm in India and they'll tell me the nearest place I can bring it to either fix it or replace it. So, I'm out of a camera perhaps for a while.

Now on to more observations and feelings.

I cried when I left! More so when I was saying goodbye to my Mother. Once I go through security I was fine with an almost teary spot mid-flight. After landing I had to try to find the ticketing counter which could have been easy, but I of course made it hard. I found Air India way at the end of the rows and rows of rows and rows of TV screens and check in agents. I got in line only to realize I was the only person there who was not Indian. A little taste of the intimidation I know I'll feel when in India, but I felt pretty okay actually. I just smiled to myself and wondered if I would be the only white girl on the flight later. I'll have to let ya'll know.

So far, so good. It still hasn't hit me that I'm going to India for 9 months, but it will hit me perhaps around month 4.

I still need money to survive and plan a trip outside the country only to re-enter AND pay for a return ticket home. The ticketing agent asked me if I was staying there forever. I simply told him I couldn't afford the return ticket! Ha cha cha.

Well, I'm back to eating my airport food court sweet and sour chicken with Lo mein noodles. Fairly okay for food on the go.

We're going to lift our voice in victory

I am somewhat relieved because I heard from a dear friend that I don't really need Malaria pills. He stayed in India for one year and never had them. I'll just have to pray that I don't come in contact with Hepatitis A or B. If anyone knows of where I can get cheap or free vaccinations that would be a huge help!

I am, however, very stressed out about money. This is an on and off, rather touchy subject in my life at the moment. I won't go into details, but I will just say that I need a lot more money than I have. I leave in one month. I need approximately $4,000 dollars in the next 31 days. If there's anything you know of or need me to do. Walk your dog, clean your house, eat your food, watch your kids, run your errands, play music for you, record your favorite TV shows.

I need to make a phone call about a farewell show I hope to play sometime in the upcoming weeks. If you know of a venue for that let me know! Otherwise I'm just looking for local coffee houses or something.

My nerves are on end and I am on the short end of my fuse. I am almost done with work which is a relief, yet terrifying because no income means no money means scary.

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I spent more money yesterday than I should have and it was on meaningless things! I bought a grass skirt that happens to be too small for me anyway! I can't even return it because I opened it I think. Oh well, I get paid again today and it's going to my car insurance and credit card.

I have eight days left with my wonderful family of five that I nanny for! You probably have no idea how excited I am, yet sad all at the same time. I am very excited to begin a new chapter in my life and hopefully leave child care behind. Don't get me wrong, I love kids more than a lot of things in this sick world, but I can only do this for so long! It's nice knowing I won't be making a career out of child care. I'll just basically have it as a career when I have my own children some day, but they'll be mine and everyone says, "It will be different when they are your own children." We'll see how right my friends and family are. I wish sometimes I could give birth to a 17 year old. That way I have them for one year and they already think they know everything and can feed their self AND can drive wherever they need to go! Needless to say, I'll be out of a job in three weeks. Which brings me to another point. I have tried a few times to get little odd jobs or second jobs, but they always end up falling through! The first time I was sure I had the job and they suddenly send me the dreaded post card because they're too much of a pansy to call me and tell me in person that I didn't get the job. There was also the phone book delivery job which I only had to attend the informational meeting, grab the books, and go! The unfortunate part is...I couldn't find the building the meeting was in! I drove around Coon Rapids for 30 minutes looking for this building and honestly could not find it anywhere! What is the deal? I personally think God wants me to fully rely on Him for the tuition and all other costs of this new chapter. It's hard for me to fully grasp, but so far He's been good to His word so I can't help but relax and trust Him to bring it all in in the next month and a half.

Last night I went to a newish Indian restaurant in Maple Grove called Curry Up. I've been there a few times before. I am so glad I love Indian food. Anyway, as I was leaving one of the owners asked how the food was and I told her "excellent, as usual!" and also mentioned that I would be going to India in September for nine months and then for the next 20 minutes she was telling me all about Pune which is where I'll be staying, and Mumbai which is the nearest large city. She told me what to expect and what to wear and all this amazing advice! She also told me to come in again if I have any more questions before I go and she would love to help me as much as she can, and she said that she has family in Mumbai and Pune and would gladly give me their contact information so I can talk to them if I have questions while I'm there, or if I just want someone to show me around! It was a HUGE confirmation and put my mind and body a little more at ease about going. I'm falling more in love with the people of India and I haven't even left yet!

Please pray that people start sending in support. I sent out the letters a few weeks ago and have only received one back so far. Also, there should be a coffee shop coming up within the next two months where you will be able to see me perform some songs and purchase my CD for India!

Preparations

Things for India were coming together very nicely...until I was shot down for a line of credit with my bank. I applied for a small loan to pay off my credit card then I would have a lot less of a monthly payment for the loan than I have right now for my credit card. Unfortunately God didn't want that happening, well, I guess fortunately. A "no" is still an answer.

So far I have $994.00 and I will be receiving $3,000 for my car sometime in the next two months. I have my visa! That came very quickly and I was surprised because I have heard so many horror stories of visas. I still need to purchase my plane ticket and that is going to be around $1,500. I also would love to have enough money per month to make the minimum payments on my credit card. I want to be real honest about my needs for this trip. While I am there the only monthly payments I'll still need to make are my credit card and my sponsored child. That will be approximately $160.00 per month.

I thought I'd make everyone's lives easier, including mine, by setting up a "Donate" button on this blog so that you can donate money and it will go directly to my savings account for this School of Biblical studies and India trip.

God has been confirming this trip in many, many ways over the past few months. Three months ago I wasn't sure that I was really supposed to go because things seemed so impossible, but now things are all coming together. The garage sale was amazing and raised a little over $1,000! My Visa came very quickly! I finally got my EP done, so that is all packaged, looking good, and ready to be sold! Every single time I open the Bible or go to church God speaks to me and encourages me about leaving, provision, anxiety, and every other thing that is on my mind.

I will be updating this hopefully weekly while I'm there, and probably scarcely while I'm still here, but hey! I'm around and leaving soon. If you want to hang out I would love to see everyone before I leave. The plan is to leave September 25th, and I'm done with work August 31st, but won't have a car in September. Needless to say, let me know what you've got going on.

Don't forget to click the "Donate" button on the right of this page and help a sister out!