I feel like I am watching everything from space

Last night we had a Princess Party! All the girls were able to be princesses for one night and wear sleeveless dresses, and show some leg! Ha. It was a lot of fun. We danced for a long time, ate a lot of good food, and watched a funny movie, then danced some more! All in all, it was a really fun night filled with laughter and love. It was nice to not have any guys around so we could just have fun and not swim around in self-conscienceness. We were confident, beautiful, and attractive, without men telling us so.

I wanted to put up pictures of my local outreach, but the uploader is not working at the moment, so I'll just describe it for you. The last few weeks we have been able to go to a new part of the area we were in. It is actually quite far from the rest of our group, but it is in a literal "slum". This was my first week going to this new area and it was very um...eye opening, or I don't really know what word to use to describe it, but the best I can do is say that my heart drops in my chest a little bit and I am instantly filled with compassion and sorrow all at the same time. These people are living in what looks like tents, but they're made of sticks, tarps, and random cloth they have. There are entire families living in these small tents. We also could not really communicate with the children we played with. They all spoke Marati which is the state's language that we are in right now. India has a bunch of different states like the U.S. and each state has its own common language and in some states the different tribes even have their own language, Hindi is the whole country's common language, and with these children only one spoke Hindi and he was too shy to translate for us to the rest of the kids, so it was a little difficult, but they had fun playing Duck, Duck, Goose with us and we taught them a few Hindi songs even though they have no idea what they're singing (nor do I).

You all must be wondering where exactly I am located in regards to Mumbai. I am a 2 hour drive away, and it is quite frightening to think that all that terror is happening a mere 2.5 hour train ride away. One of the attacks was at a train station I will be going to in 3 weeks and all in a city I will be in 3 weeks from now. This kind of thing has been happening often throughout the past decade or more but they say this time it was a lot more thought out and planned. Pray for India, that as awful as this is it would bring the country together and unify the people of different states and tribes. Also, pray for the terrorists that their hearts would be softened and they would give themselves up even if that means they will be killed.

1st Corinthians a.k.a. The Book of Love, or as I titled it, "All You Need is Love" is quite a difficult letter to interpret. There are a million different interpretations for pretty much every paragraph, even every verse in this letter. It's a nice letter though because the Corinthian culture is probably the most closely related to our culture and so all the applications are pretty true to us today. What I have learned from Corinthians? Repent! Repenting is a hard thing to do. It's easy to confess your sin, but to actually repent, turn around, walk the other way from your sin, that is most hard. Usually I confess yet continue walking in the same direction I have been traveling. Also, of course, God showed me my lack of love in certain areas of my life, toward certain people in my life.

This week I was informed of some pretty intense news of family back home. It is hard to be here during this time when it seems like it would be so much better to be home with my family, but I know God has called me here, now, for His purpose. It is like I am forced to apply Jesus' quote, "whoever leaves father, mother, brother, sister for me etc..." Not that I am abandoning my family by being here, but I truly am putting Jesus in the top spot in my life. Needless to say, I have had a small blow to my eagerness to do my homework this week, but no worries, I did complete all of it, except for the Psalms homework, that is a difficult predicament. I don't set aside time during the days to read a Psalm a day (pretty pathetic, I know) then, on Saturday I have to read 5 psalms and meditate on them all and basically it boils down to doing it because it is an assignment instead of doing it to hear God's voice, so this week I am choosing not to do them. I am not here to get good grades.

Here I am at the local hot spot for coffee. Cafe Coffee Day. Unfortunately, there are no Starbucks in the whole of India. Although I've heard rumors there could be one in Delhi, but no one knows if that is a fact. So far, my experiences in India have only been growing in goodness, and in the spirit of Thanksgiving I think I will make a list of all the things I am thankful for here, now:

My mother, she is completely supportive of everything I do and always encourages me more than anyone I have ever known.
My dad, he loves me no matter what I do, even when I get my nose pierced without telling him. He has a giant heart.
My brothers, yes, all five of them. I could go into specifics with each one, but I will say that they all look out for me and I know they got my back no matter what.
American boys in my school. Especially the Titus staff. I think that if they weren't here I would have gone home by now.
My beautiful English friend, she is an inspiration and quickly has become an old friend.
I am thankful that I have girls here I can spill out my insides to and they will surround me and lift me up and sit with me in the dirt if that's all I need.
Rickshaws, they are so amazing!
Stray dogs everywhere that remind me of Peaches the wonder-pet.
Staff that encourage me to not focus on the grade, but ultimately apply what I have been reading and listen to the Spirit.
DTS students that seem to be more mature than me. It is humbling, which I need most all the time.
The familiar staff of Coffee Day. They are so friendly, and the only Indians that don't think I'm out of place here.
God's provision, even when I am not looking for it or praying for it, He continues to bless me and I do not deserve it.
Forgiveness.
My new mobile phone even though it won't receive text messages from Airtel.
Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Pam Beasley, Dwight Schrute, and all other members of Dunder Mifflin. They are the only ones keeping me sane here!
God's heart for this country. I think it's rubbing off on me.
Milk in a box on the shelf in the store! That's right.
Cool nights and cool mornings.
All in all, I am so thankful that I am in India of all places, studying the inspired words of God with all these wonderful Indians and foreigners. I do not feel out of place at all. In fact, I feel like I belong more than ever. I am thinking I could live here as long as I am with someone I love. I could live anywhere as long as I was with someone I loved.

I cannot believe there are 3 weeks left of the first quarter! I thought this school would take forever, but looks like time seems to have sped up since I have been here. I only hope that it slows down so that I have more time for homework and more time to pass out from exhaustion. Not even physical exhaustion! I cannot believe how tired I am all the time. It is surreal.


Pray God begins to direct my desires to his desires. I want to know the next step after this school, and I have some ideas but I want them to be his ideas. Also, I am struggling with forgiveness and fear right now. I do not even understand my own self all of the time.

Wow, this was long. This is what happens when I don't write for awhile and finally I have a long length of time to update.

I found a hair the length of yours on my sleeve

I love India most of the time, but sometimes there are moments that make me dislike India more than anything at that moment. I am not going to go on a complaining spree right now, so I will spare you the details, just know that sometimes India is annoying.

Yesterday I travelled to Pune with two Norwegians, a Brit, and a Goan. I spent the entire day with the Norwegians and we did some Christmas shopping and also ate burgers at Burger King. Now, this is not the normal Burger King you are all familiar with, this is a small restaurant owned by a Persian man that sells burgers. Hamburgers, steak burgers, chicken burgers, and of course Veg burgers. I was SO excited to eat a cheeseburger that I ordered the "big" one. He asked if I wanted small or big and I said big. Little did I realize the "big" or "king" burger as they called it was HUGE. It was bigger than my face and I could barely eat half of it along with the french fries he thought I needed.

All in all, shopping in Pune was fairly productive. We spent a lot of our time in rickshaws trying to get around from place to place, but it was fun and even somewhat exciting to go around the city without a native. I realized that I could travel around a big city like Pune alone. Not that I ever would, but I could. I don't know if I could or would attempt the local train alone, however. It is almost getting to the point where I cannot handle the beggers here. They are either beautiful, elderly people who can barely walk, or small, small children dressed in rags. It is hard to ignore them, and we found out yesterday that if you do give them something they'll only try and get more out of you. I do not know what to do in these situations. I know we are to remember the poor and help the orphans and widows and make poverty history and etcetera. BUT, this is almost ridiculous. I want to see Jesus here in Pune and see what he would do in these situations so that I know what I should do. It is very hard for me. I think it is the most difficult thing about India.

I don't know if I will ever feel well rested during SBS. I am about to collapse as I type this and the day is just starting. I have to print out some music, practice with our small SBS band for worship on Monday morning, clean my stuff in my room, read 1 Corinthians out-loud in one sitting, make paragraph titles, finish the rough horizontal, clean my whole room thoroughly, then I might have to finish my rough horizontal if I did not get it done before cleaning the entire room, after that I think I'm free, but it'll be roughly dinner time and THEN I can go to bed early...maybe, only to wake up early and have all the stress of leading the entire base in worship. Just perfect! Oh, how I can't wait to relax at Christmas time which actually, probably, won't even happen if I am going to be climbing up mountains for 7 days.

I am somewhat developing post-SBS plans in the far, far back corners of my mind. Please pray that God would make it clear what I am supposed to do, if anything, after SBS.

God is really working on my heart in the area of forgiveness. There is one person in my life that is the absolute hardest person for me to forgive, and for some reason God keeps reminding me of this person, not through little things that remind me of this person, but through the Bible! Never have I ever been reminded of a person because of words that I read in the Bible. Granted they are words of forgiveness and other things that aren't necessarily good words to remind you of someone, but they do, and so there I am with this thought of forgiveness in my head, yet remembering exactly what this person has done over and over again. That is a hard process of thought. Forgiveness is a hard thing to do with some people.

This week is Thanksgiving week! It is my favorite holiday of the whole year I think. Well, second favorite next to Christmas. I actually get to go have a Chicken dinner at the DTS leaders' home with most of the Americans on base! I am quite excited about it!

Santa Claus is coming, hear the banjo strumming

There are only 2 weeks left of November! How time flies when you are knee deep in Biblical texts. Thanksgiving is next week and I am excited because I was invited to eat at the DTS leader's home that evening for their own "Thanksgiving for the Americans in India" dinner! We'll most likely be eating Chicken, but hey, it's close enough for me. Praise God I was able to eat Thanksgiving Dinner before I came to India. As much as I hate the NFL I do miss Sunday afternoons taking a nap on the couch with the soft sound of the Football announcers on TV and my Mom screaming at the TV in the background.

What God has shown me from Romans cannot possibly be contained in this blog, but I shall attempt to reveal to you the mysteries revealed to me through this letter of Paul to the saints in Rome.

I will start off with the very thing God showed me before I even really dug into this book. You already read my previous entry about how I realized, I mean really realized I am not any different than any other human being that has ever lived. After that revelation and after finishing all my assignments I saw that this very point is included in Romans (14:10-12). The entire topic of judging actually hit me pretty hard this week.

I think the major thing God showed me though is something he revealed to our teacher this week, Sam, during his SBS in Montana. God does not want us to even desire sin. Sure, it sounds simple enough, but I guess I never really thought about this or even tried to desire the things of God, the things of the Spirit, things that are good for Him, not for me.

I mean, I always felt like I would always desire sin and as long as I don't act on those desires I was okay, but now I think God gets hurt when I desire sin and not Hims. Even if I don't act on it. It's like a husband telling his wife that at work all day he desired to be with so many of the women he saw on the street and in the office, but he wanted to remain faithful to his wife so he did not act on any of his desires. I think God is like the wife in this situation. She'd be angry, jealous, and upset her husband shared this with her, and she would want him to only desire her, not all those other woman! Who cares if he didn't act on his desires!!


The whole of 13:1-7 reminded me of our new president and many "Christian's" horrible attitudes and lack of submission to the new governing authority. Paul wrote this passage when Nero was Caesar! Can you imagine? Nero! "Submit to the governing authorities, they are God's servants, instituted by God." He was telling these Christians to submit to Nero, the guy who persecuted Christians like crazy. And also, what is so bad about sharing everything anyway, have these "Christians" even read Acts or heard of the Year of Jubilee? Why do people assume our country is going to become socialist all of a sudden? Every year people get so upset over the new president. Well, read Romans people. Who are we to judge our brothers and sisters?

Okay, enough about that, I am really falling in love with India. I feel like I write about this topic every entry, but it is what I am seeing and feeling and experiencing here. I love every minute of it. I really know this is where I belong at this season in my life. India is my home. God really blessed me today with some amazing news that I was not expecting, and now I can live out the rest of my day praising His name and thanking Him for being a provider!

I had another revelation during work duty on Friday. God often shows me things while I am sweeping the driveway. I remember reading in The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, that whenever a box of shoes would come in as a donation for the people she worked with she would go through all the pairs of shoes before anyone else and pick out the smallest, most uncomfortable pair and keep those for herself so that no one else would have to wear them. Now you are probably thinking, "what does this have to do with sweeping the driveway?" So I am going to tell you! We have been sweeping the driveway for 1.5 months now and the brooms, which are just a bunch of long sticks tied together, are falling apart and losing sticks, so some are worse off than others. I realized after I started sweeping and seeing my friend struggle with the worst broom, that I should have taken that broom first so that no one else had to use it.

Here I am listening to Christmas music and wishing I could be home for Christmas. Having a white Christmas would be so wonderful, but perhaps in Nepal there will actually be snow in the mountains! That would be nice, but you'll probably hear on the news, "23 year old woman found dead, buried in the snow in Nepali mountains. Friends say a 7 day trek was too much for her."

Happy Mid-November! I hope you all remembered, remembered the 5th of November.

I won't mistake you for problems with me

It is so bizarre to see little boys walking around carrying cricket rackets or bats, whatever you call them. I see them and immediately think they're baseball bats, but no, it's a cricket paddle. I'm not sure what they're called, but you know what they look like.

We are studying Romans this week. Let me tell you that after my first out loud reading of it on Sunday afternoon I immediately realized God is going to speak to me immensely through this book and I am not even ready for it. I am almost afraid to dive in because I know He is going to say a lot and it might hurt a lot, but I know I will need to hear it. All things he says to me will work together eventually for good. (Romans 8:28)

I challenge you all to count how many times the word "law" is said in Romans. Try to do it for "faith" and "sin" also. This is just one of the million words Paul repeats in this book. It is crazy. Welcome to the life of an SBS student.

It is really funny that God told me he was going to speak to me a lot through this book, because at the beginning of our class today the teacher put a quote on the screen by FF Bruce and it said this: "there is no saying what may happen when people begin to study the letter Romans, so let those who have read thus far be prepared for the consequences of reading farther: you have been warned!" This is in a commentary's introduction to Romans! It is like God repeated his warning to me. Not so much a warning, but an FYI.

Also, this morning, the DTS speaker shared a small devotion with us and the only thing I remember, that really stuck with me was that there are two major things that block the joy of the Lord, and one of them is self-pity. I thought, "welcome to my life!" when she said that. Why should I think I deserve better than anything I am given? I don't even deserve the small things I get. I am not better than anyone else in this entire world! I think Sufjan Stevens says it best in his song "John Wayne Gacy Jr." for those of you who don't know, this guy Sufjan wrote the song about was a serial killer. He would dress up as a clown and pick up men or boys in his car, bring them back to his house and kiss them, you get the idea, then he would kill them and put their bodies under his house. Under his floorboards. So, in the end of Sufjan's song the lyrics are as follows:

He took off all their clothes for them,
he put a cloth on their lips,
quiet hands, quiet kiss on the mouth.
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him.
Look beneath the floorboards
for the secrets I have hid.

I am no different than John Wayne Gacy Jr. I am no different than Barack Obama. I am no different than George Bush. I am just like Saddam Hussein. I am just like Mother Teresa.

I really have fallen in love with this country and the people here, although I am a little wary of going on local outreach still. Even though last week was fine, and I actually don't have to do much because they only speak Hindi and I cannot do this. I am uncomfortable there, but what I learned today is that I cannot have a self-pity party about my uncomfortableness! I am here for a purpose. I was placed, and still am placed, in this small town for a reason. It's not just coincidence that I am here, that I have met these new friends. I already have lifelong friends here. I already have changed here. I have just begun to be an instrument in this country. I am looking forward to looking back and seeing how my heart has changed and healed. A lot of healing needs to happen and a lot of forgiveness needs to happen, but I am actually looking forward to digging into these hurtful situations because I know something better, and more beautiful will be put in their places.

All that to say, ya'll should read Romans this week. I've already read it twice, and I'm about to go for a third! It is life changing, much like the entire rest of the Bible, but it would be awesome to change lives together on separate continents through the same words.

Pray for me this week that I receive what God wants to show me with openness and joy. That I would not feel depressed like I did last week. It was debilitating.

His truth is marching on

Some long awaited photos, one of a begging boy at the train station, one of a beautiful sand art thing on the ground during Diwali, one of me with a little Hindu woman who invited Lottie and myself in her shop on Diwali, one of three of the girls on the train to Pune, and one of myself with my new permanently straight hair with my new scarf from my parcel.



Today could not have been any better than it was. I slept in, I got banana bread from the canteen (the little store on campus that's open during chai times), usually they rarely have banana bread. It is even home-made banana bread! I spent all morning waiting for the polls to be closed and the votes to be counted and rejoiced in the news. The United States of America has their first black president! I am excited to see how things go with Barack in the office. I pray people's hearts soften towards him and that he can handle all the pressure that is now on him.

After finding that out and then finishing my assignments 1.5 hours before the deadline, I found out that finally there was a package for me in the office. Three weeks after the scheduled delivery date. Why it needed to be in Indian customs for 10 days I'll never know, but it is here, it is safe, it is beautiful. All the chocolate was melted and then re-hardened, who knows how many times, so it doesn't look dark, but it tastes dark and that is really all that matters. I am so happy to have my Wheat Thins as well. As annoying as it was to wait almost two weeks longer to receive this parcel it is good to finally have it and even I would say well worth the wait. I appreciate the things in it more than I would have most likely.

Tonight is the first night the "foreigners" get to go on local outreach. I am nervous. Outreach has always scared me and pushed me way out of my comfort zone. God is telling me that I'm starting to get comfortable here in India, so here's one more thing to make your life uncomfortable. I'll give you the thing you think you dislike most in the world.

I just finished Colossians and learned it is all about Christ's Supremacy (even though it doesn't even say that word in the book). Basically the people in Colossae at the time this letter was written were gnostics which meant they thought knowledge leads to salvation, and they thought anything physical, material, earthly was evil. So their bodies are evil and either some punished their bodies by hurting themselves and starving themselves, or else the other extreme was that because their body is evil, anything you do with it doesn't matter, so give it as many pleasures as it wants! A lot of people also believed in mystery religions and appeasing gods, rulers, authorities of heavenly spheres that surround the earth. So, basically, Paul writes this letter to say that Christ is seated above all those things and in him you can have all wisdom and knowledge.

We start Phillipians tomorrow. I am excited for this because my favorite verse of the last 5 years is in this book. 4:8. I'll leave it up to you to read it. I already know what it says.

It does not seem like November to me because here the sky is always clear, blue, and sunny. I haven't seen a cloud in one month probably. I am so used to this time of year being cold with leaves off of trees and snow should be starting soon, but none of this is going to happen here. It's going to be the day before Christmas and I won't even know it.

I hate how certain songs and musicians remind me of certain people. Mostly I love it actually, if it is a good situation and a good person, but if it is the opposite of that, then I hate it. Especially when the song is really good and I can no longer enjoy it because it is tainted. I realized today after Colossians I have some un-forgiveness in me I need to deal with. I need to let go of grudges and bitterness. I need to also forgive myself. I don't know how to forgive people close to me. People who were close to me that is. I don't know how God does it over and over again. I just am forever grateful that he does. I guess he made it so that he doesn't have to do it over and over again, he just did for all time. He doesn't have to keep forgiving us because he just did it all at one time. I wish I could do that. I wish I could forgive everyone who ever hurt me and my family and my friends and everyone who ever will hurt me, my family and friends, so when the time comes they are already forgiven and I won't have to dwell on any sort of bitterness or hate.

Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks.

Mom and Dad, brace yourselves for this fact. I have been studying for the last 5.5 hours. Doing homework that is. Observing, interpreting, and writing out applications. My hand is about to fall off and my brain has almost finished packing. I needed to take a short break in order to write some more, fancy that, in my blog.

A few nights ago it was Diwali, the festival of lights here in India or even at home if you're Hindu! The people here shoot off fireworks and firecrackers continuously for a week at least. So far it has been going on for one solid week. Apparently this is the first festival in a series of festivals through March where people awaken the gods who they say have been sleeping April through October. My wonderful English friend and myself took a walk to the market on the night of Diwali to see the sights and buy some ice cream from a street vendor. Safe? Probably not. Good? Heck yes it was! I am slowly getting used to this small town and all it has to offer. One thing I thoroughly enjoy about India is the fact that you can open and examine everything before you buy it. I'm talking everything here. If you wanted to examine a roll of toilet paper, fine! If you wanted to examine some printing paper for the computer, fine! If you want to sample any food before you buy it, okay! One could get used to this kind of life.

Sunday will be another day in Pune, fortunately I won't have to sit in some crazy lady's salon for 6 hours getting my hair straightened. I'll get to go to a grocery store!! My first one since I left home! We might even go to a pool I hear, but the for sure stop is the cinema. We don't know what is playing, but we don't really care. I am trying to get more acquainted with the train system here. We discovered the wonders of online ticket purchasing. Who knew India could be so advanced?

Today was IG day meaning Income Generation. That translates to staff and students selling services or food they made for a price. Even games you want to play and lose money at. It was all kind of like a carnival where you waste your money at home, but this wasn't wasting because all proceeds when to either the particular student leading the game or making the food, or their school. It was fun and I got to eat a brownie with ice cream! You cannot ask for anything better than that here on campus.

I must get back to doing homework. I have one chart left for tonight before I am allowed to pass out. If you are of the prayerful heart, please pray I will be well rested in the coming weeks. This is a lot of work that I wasn't anticipating and my roommates are wonderful but noisy although I'm sure they think the same of me. Also, I am leading worship on Tuesday morning and I am a little nervous about it because I feel during worship through song I do what I want to do and so many of these guys are Spirit-led and I have no idea what I'm doing in that area. So I guess I need confidence, but mostly I need to allow God to use me and ease my worried mind. Pray for no distractions too. I am here for one reason, to get to know our beautiful Creator more than ever before and let Him stir up my heart.