I won't mistake you for problems with me

It is so bizarre to see little boys walking around carrying cricket rackets or bats, whatever you call them. I see them and immediately think they're baseball bats, but no, it's a cricket paddle. I'm not sure what they're called, but you know what they look like.

We are studying Romans this week. Let me tell you that after my first out loud reading of it on Sunday afternoon I immediately realized God is going to speak to me immensely through this book and I am not even ready for it. I am almost afraid to dive in because I know He is going to say a lot and it might hurt a lot, but I know I will need to hear it. All things he says to me will work together eventually for good. (Romans 8:28)

I challenge you all to count how many times the word "law" is said in Romans. Try to do it for "faith" and "sin" also. This is just one of the million words Paul repeats in this book. It is crazy. Welcome to the life of an SBS student.

It is really funny that God told me he was going to speak to me a lot through this book, because at the beginning of our class today the teacher put a quote on the screen by FF Bruce and it said this: "there is no saying what may happen when people begin to study the letter Romans, so let those who have read thus far be prepared for the consequences of reading farther: you have been warned!" This is in a commentary's introduction to Romans! It is like God repeated his warning to me. Not so much a warning, but an FYI.

Also, this morning, the DTS speaker shared a small devotion with us and the only thing I remember, that really stuck with me was that there are two major things that block the joy of the Lord, and one of them is self-pity. I thought, "welcome to my life!" when she said that. Why should I think I deserve better than anything I am given? I don't even deserve the small things I get. I am not better than anyone else in this entire world! I think Sufjan Stevens says it best in his song "John Wayne Gacy Jr." for those of you who don't know, this guy Sufjan wrote the song about was a serial killer. He would dress up as a clown and pick up men or boys in his car, bring them back to his house and kiss them, you get the idea, then he would kill them and put their bodies under his house. Under his floorboards. So, in the end of Sufjan's song the lyrics are as follows:

He took off all their clothes for them,
he put a cloth on their lips,
quiet hands, quiet kiss on the mouth.
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him.
Look beneath the floorboards
for the secrets I have hid.

I am no different than John Wayne Gacy Jr. I am no different than Barack Obama. I am no different than George Bush. I am just like Saddam Hussein. I am just like Mother Teresa.

I really have fallen in love with this country and the people here, although I am a little wary of going on local outreach still. Even though last week was fine, and I actually don't have to do much because they only speak Hindi and I cannot do this. I am uncomfortable there, but what I learned today is that I cannot have a self-pity party about my uncomfortableness! I am here for a purpose. I was placed, and still am placed, in this small town for a reason. It's not just coincidence that I am here, that I have met these new friends. I already have lifelong friends here. I already have changed here. I have just begun to be an instrument in this country. I am looking forward to looking back and seeing how my heart has changed and healed. A lot of healing needs to happen and a lot of forgiveness needs to happen, but I am actually looking forward to digging into these hurtful situations because I know something better, and more beautiful will be put in their places.

All that to say, ya'll should read Romans this week. I've already read it twice, and I'm about to go for a third! It is life changing, much like the entire rest of the Bible, but it would be awesome to change lives together on separate continents through the same words.

Pray for me this week that I receive what God wants to show me with openness and joy. That I would not feel depressed like I did last week. It was debilitating.