And Life Goes On and On

 I'm going to get a little personal up in here.

I am 100% sure that I have an anxiety disorder. I have always thought I had a slight anxiety problem, but now I am sure it is much bigger than I originally thought. About a month before I left the U.S. (end of December) I started feeling some tightness in my chest. I was at first concerned it had something to do with my heart, in fact I am still worried about that. The week before I left it was almost daily, a slight pressure in my chest and I could not sleep very well, then the night before I was to fly I could not sleep the whole night. Every time I was about to drift off to sleep I thought my heart would stop or I couldn't breathe so I would wake up suddenly with a jerk and make sure I'm alive and breathing and my night continued in that cycle for the next couple hours until I finally somehow drifted off to sleep and found myself waking up on three hours of sleep.

Once I arrived in India I was fine for two whole weeks until it started happening again. I was watching a movie called "Buried." It's about a guy who wakes up buried alive in a box/coffin in Afghanistan or Iraq...I can't remember which. It's a quite intense movie and I felt that pressure/breathing problem again throughout the whole movie. I eventually went to the doctor and he thinks it is just heartburn or gas. It started happening a few times a week only when I would go to sleep. I have discovered that this is quite common with people who have anxiety disorders. Once I decided it was anxiety it has been a lot easier to control. Not knowing what it was only made my anxiety and the symptoms worse.

I believe I've always had anxiety to a small extent because it runs in my family and I always think the worst in any situation. I jump to the worst, most out-there conclusion when anything goes slightly wrong. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac also. But, for some reason this has all escalated into something really intense over the last four months. Some days it's too much for me to handle. Most days I am okay and normal.

I'd still like to get my heart tested for anything abnormal, but I'm pretty sure it's just anxiety.

I taught Proverbs this week and I really love how much wisdom is contained in that book. It really is about choosing to be wise or choosing the path of folly. Will you live a life of wisdom or foolishness? If you fear God you will be wise, but a fool rejects instruction and discernment. As I studied this book a couple of verses hit me in the face. It was just what I needed to hear in this midst of anxiety.

My son, do not lose sight of these -- keep sound wisdom and discretion,
and they will be life for your soul and adornment for your neck.
Then you will walk on your way securely, and your foot will not stumble.
If you lie down, you will not be afraid; 
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
Do not be afraid of sudden terror or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes,
for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught.
- Proverbs 3:21-26 -

Now, I realize that those verses are referring to living wisely verses living/following the wicked fool, but it eased my heart and mind especially since I only struggle as I'm trying to sleep and I haven't been sleeping well lately at all.

So, there you have it. My personal struggle at the moment.

In other news, tomorrow is the final day of the 2nd quarter of our three-quarter SBS. Next week is our Spring Break. One whole week with nothing to do! I am so excited to spend time with Romel. I will be baking, reading, resting, relaxing, eating delicious food, and maybe even spending a day in Pune or somewhere else close-by. I just love holidays.

 And now some pictures for your enjoyment. I felt a sudden urge to take pictures of all the beautiful vegetation we have on our campus. Plus, had to add one of the cat and some cutie patootie kids that came over this last Sunday for our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY DINNER!

Yes, we've been married for one year now! Where did the time go? I am so thankful God brought Romel into my life. He is so generous, sweet, and silly. I love him so much and look forward to many more years ahead of us.

Jackfruit.

Love these purple leaves.

Baby figs.

I Feel Like Such a Mooch.

you: Hey! I miss you so much! Let's hang out!
me: Yes, totally! I miss you too! When do you want to hang out?
you: Let's hang out on this day next week! I can't wait to see you!!!!
me: Yeah, totally awesome, I can't wait! It works for me as I am doing nothing at all that day!!!

What goes on in my head until that day comes: What will we be doing? Anything we do will involve money and I can't even bring myself to pay $5 for a meal because it's double the amount for a meal in India. I don't have that kind of money, I have to pay for gas eventually and it's like $3.99 a gallon and I do not have that kind of money. Will they pay for me or are they expecting me to pay for myself like all Americans would assume? Will I have to be the d-bag who says "oh, btw I have no money" when we get to the register? Will I have to be the jerk who cancels at the last minute because I have no money and would hate to put that kind of pressure on someone...even if it's someone I haven't seen for a very, very long time? Why do things have to be so expensive??? Why did I have to buy that perfume yesterday when I didn't need it and therefore can't afford to do anything else this week?? WHY AM I SO BAD WITH MY FINANCES? WHY HAVEN'T I LEARNED FROM MY PAST MISTAKES??? Why can't they just say up front they'll pay for me if that's what they're thinking? Is it weird to ask if they're expecting to pay for me or me to pay for myself? How will I afford to pay my electricity bill in India if I spend the same amount I would for a month's electricity on dinner that day? (Electric bill for this month: $17.09. Dinner at a restaurant: $17.09) WHAT TO DO?? TELL ME WHAT TO DO, O WISE BRAIN OF MINE!!!!


I'll just stay home and watch Adventure Time with Finn and Jake or whatever it's called. 


And that's a glimpse of what's going on inside my head when people ask me to "hang out" upon coming back from India.

That's me holding all the money I have in my wallet. 50 rupees is equivalent to $1.09.

I called the Love of my life today finally. After an entire week since that fateful taxi ride to the airport, I called him. Oh how I miss his voice and face and laugh and words and broken English at times. Ahhhh. It is true that old adage: absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or the original saying that came from Roman poet, Sextus Propertius (wonder if that was his real name):

"Always toward absent lovers love's tide stronger flows."

Miss you, Boo.

I seriously need to get into a schedule. I find that if my life is scheduled I make wiser choices. I don't know how I have lost all self-control in my life. I've given up on controlling my surroundings which is fine, that's what God wants I think, but I seem to have also given up on controlling myself when it comes to everything. I don't even know where to begin. You'd think studying the Bible for so long would make me wiser and closer to perfection than ever before, but I am pretty sure it has brought me farther away. Perhaps that's the way wisdom goes. The more you know the more you realize how imperfect you really are. The more I get a hold of what needs to be done, the more I see how far I have fallen, and the more I see how much I need grace. Grace is a huge gift and I have always taken it for granted. I still do, but I am at least starting to see how important it is in my selfish life.

On another, completely un-related note, I'm listening to "Born This Way" by Gaga with my headphones on for the first time and am hearing little background things I have never heard before! And I've listened to this song a billion times. It's pretty cool actually. At the very beginning when she's talking, there's some cello or bass action going on. The harmonies and background vocals sound sweet also, as with the bass drum beat. I don't care what anyone says. I like Lady Gawgs.

But, I won't end with that controversial statement. I'll leave you with this question:

Has there been a time in your life you realized the importance of grace?
Have you ever struggled with self-control? 

Confessions of a Shopaholic.

It is not really a good combination to have a compulsive shopper as a missionary. I don't know how it is possible to live in the United States for any period of time and not go in debt. I think my shopping habit has been getting better as I grow up, but I still find myself buying things frequently. I am happy to say that I have not purchased anything that I use once for a long time. There was a period of my life when I would buy things and wear them or use them once or twice then never again, mostly thinking, "I'll wear it when I get skinnier" But I never got skinnier. So, then I sold and gave away all those great clothes before I moved to India and now I'm wishing I had them back! I am realizing though, that it's okay to get a few things here and there. Especially since I have been wearing the same 4 outfits for the past 6 months, and I only buy things I can surely use in India also. No more of this, "I'm home for 2 months and I need to buy all these cute sweaters cause it's so cold here!!!!!" only to leave them behind when I go back to the sauna-like weather of India that is sure to welcome me in 11 days.

I was at the Mall of America today. Yes, this giant mall is located but a 30 minute drive from my parent's house. How convenient, right? Anyway, I was there purchasing things for people back in India. This is one thing I will always have to deal with; when I come "home" to America it never fails that I have at least 5 people asking me to bring certain things back with me. The requests range from coffee to bass guitars to laptop computers. Don't get me wrong, I am all for helping my fellow man, and I totally understand how convenient it is to have someone going to and coming back soon from America to bring your things back instead of paying outrageous amounts to ship these things overseas. However, it does get quite annoying because some of these people rarely talk to me, and the one time they do decide to say, "hey Sarah! How are you?" It's always followed by the inevitable question, "So, when are you coming back to India?" Which is then almost always followed by, "I was wondering if you could do me a favor..." Now, am I being heartless and bitter-minded to want to scream and just close my computer screen then and there, never to open it until I am back in India? I am pretty sure my job description does not include courier or delivery-woman. However, I know that my job description does include "selfless" "kind" "humble" "helper" etc. I guess if it really won't be any trouble at all I can totally deliver the goods. Perfume, a book, some lotion, coffee, clothes, small things are great, but those small things quickly add up! I am only allotted so much weight and room in my luggage, and checking more than one bag is costing more and more money these days.

It is a constant battle in my head and heart.

Valentine's Day is coming up. Every single Valentine Day in my past has not included a Valentine. This one is no different. But, for one of the first times in my life, I am okay with that, and instead of dwelling on the fact that my best friend whom I love with all of my heart is on the other side of the world instead of with me, I plan on loving the people here as best I can in the few days I have left with them!

And on that final note of Love, I will leave you to your weekend. I hope it is full of love and laughter, because those are the two best things ever in the world.

His Truth is Marching On

Last year, 2009, I titled it the "Year of Hope" and looking back on it I was spot on. I received hope that I can dig deeper into God's character every single day and still learn more and more. The hope that I alone found in his words and movements were grand, and if you throw in the hope I was constantly surrounded by in my classmates and wonderful friends while in India you might say it was raining hope all day every day. When I got home I had the hope of going back to India, the hope that my pursuit of God would continue even after arriving home and being removed from that structure and intensity SBS provided. I soon realized I need that structure and intensity to get anything done. As much as I always told myself I hate structure, schedules, and any sort of studying, I actually needed that stuff in order to flourish. I also discovered that maybe I would love leading others to His truth. I want to be apart of spreading the good news across the globe. So now my hope is for that. I hope to show others my love for Christ in all that I do or say (or don't say) and I hope to see every single person I come across through God's eyes of love, even when I look in the mirror. I also hope that this year's new theme proves true in the end when I again get to look back and reflect on 2010. The hope I realized in 2009 has pushed me to this year, and I decided to call this year the "Year of Love."

When it all comes down to it, our life on this planet is really about love. Loving God, loving ourselves, and loving everyone else. If that alone is done, it is enough. How do I love properly? Is there even a proper way to do it? The only example I choose to live by is Christ, and looking at his life I am far from that sort of love. So, with the hope from last year backing me up, I press on towards the goal of love. I don't mean romantic love. I don't need or want to fall in love with a man right now. Especially in the coming season of teaching in India for two years. I want to love my family, I want to love my co-workers, I want to love the customers that come into work, I want to love the other drivers on the road. I do not want to be known as the family member or friend who is the "world traveler" I want to be known as the family member or friend who loves. I want people to be fascinated by Christ's love through me so that they start asking questions and seeking God because of it. I cannot do this on my own. It is so hard for me to love certain people. So, with Jesus as my example and the Holy Spirit as my guide and God always with me, I'm going to try to catch a glimpse of what love really is.

In other news, a friend of mine and I are trying to put together a benefit concert in May for her non-profit and also for a missionary traveling to India (a.k.a. me) and so keep your Sundays open in mid-to late May, and if you have experience or any ideas on how to put together a benefit event or want to help us plan it, you are more than welcome to share your ideas and thoughts. We are both new to this kind of thing and have no idea what we're doing.

I am still looking for a different job or a few jobs on the side, so keep your eyes and ears open for any money-making opportunities and pass them on to me if you can. Also, please pray that I find a higher income or a new job. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a temp-agency type place to hopefully find me a job! Pray that goes well. The direction my current job is going in with new management makes me want to pull my hair out and either break down and cry or strangle someone, so it's not a very healthy environment for me to be working in. Yikes.

Another prayer request I have of you is for the visa situation I am currently in. The tourist visa recently changed its guidelines and if I go in on a tourist visa I have to leave every 6 months (which was always the case) however now I am not able to re-enter India for at least two months whereas previously I could cross the border of Nepal and come back into India the same day. So, for staffing a nine month school I would have to miss two months of it. I am going to apply for a different type of Visa called an Entry Visa, and I need a letter from my base in India saying I'm volunteering there, and then I need to prove that I will have enough finances to last me the two years. Then I believe I'll be able to stay in India for two years without ever having to leave!! I pray that new visa works out and all the information needed comes together easily and the visa center doesn't get suspicious of Kingdom work if you know what I mean.