I Pity the Fool...

Happy November! This is what I looked like on Halloween (well not the whole outfit because the rest is too scandalous for the internet according to certain people). I was Lady GaGa. I also love Peaches in her little sheriff's costume. She wasn't a big fan of it, but everyone else loved it.

I particularly love her depressed look in the photo with me. It's like she's thinking, "Woe is me, I have no reason left to live with this outfit on."

It has been a long while since I wrote here. You could say I have had no reason to post because nothing special has happened and who wants to hear about my boring life? All I've been doing is eating candy and reading books. 

I did however, cook a delicious chicken pot pie this evening. This is not a picture of that particular pie, but just a peek at what glorious pie is waiting for me to eat it as left overs for the rest of the week!

I have been trying too hard for too long to control circumstances within my life. It's like this: when I am in India I have complete faith that God will provide all my needs because I have no way of even doing anything about it there aside from praying and writing letters. But when I come home I try everything my human brain can think of to raise money. I play shows, I baby-sit, I throw my services out there for any and all to take advantage of, but nothing happens. I find myself good opportunities to get the word out of my situation, my life, but nothing comes back, and I can't help but feel like no one cares. I know that's not true! So many people care about me and my life, but it's bigger than that, it's God's plan, God's life. I'm just doing what He has called me to and I can't get upset anymore if people are not seeming interested. 

I have come to this place though where I feel like if everything isn't working out perfectly and fitting together nicely then I have this crazy idea that I must not be obeying God. Like because I'm not doing what he wants me to do everything is falling a part. I don't think it's like that though. Many things don't work out even though God is behind them. Just because he wants it to happen doesn't mean other people want to support it. Just because I'm not getting the finances, encouragement, or time with people I'd like does not mean that God does not want me to do what I'm doing. 

I will confess though, I have been trying too hard for too long to control these things. I have been living life at "home" in Minnesota in my own strength. Consulting only myself before I make a decision. That is not how I should be living this life. Why is it so much easier to do the right thing when I am in India than when I am in the United States?

It's so easy to give in to temptation here. It's so easy to be lazy here. It is very interesting to suddenly realize the differences in spiritual attacks between Minnesota living and Indian living. Not only are the two places physically as far away from each other as they can get on the earth, but so are the temptations, the struggles, the hardships. 

I can't help but be reminded of these words of wisdom from a good friend of mine (I wish!) Paul:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds. Philippians 4:4-7

I can't help but think though that I have too long been presenting requests to God. He knows what I need. I don't need to always pursue what He is capable of giving, but I must always pursue knowing Him deeper. It's hard though. I often can't shut up.

I Feel Like Such a Mooch.

you: Hey! I miss you so much! Let's hang out!
me: Yes, totally! I miss you too! When do you want to hang out?
you: Let's hang out on this day next week! I can't wait to see you!!!!
me: Yeah, totally awesome, I can't wait! It works for me as I am doing nothing at all that day!!!

What goes on in my head until that day comes: What will we be doing? Anything we do will involve money and I can't even bring myself to pay $5 for a meal because it's double the amount for a meal in India. I don't have that kind of money, I have to pay for gas eventually and it's like $3.99 a gallon and I do not have that kind of money. Will they pay for me or are they expecting me to pay for myself like all Americans would assume? Will I have to be the d-bag who says "oh, btw I have no money" when we get to the register? Will I have to be the jerk who cancels at the last minute because I have no money and would hate to put that kind of pressure on someone...even if it's someone I haven't seen for a very, very long time? Why do things have to be so expensive??? Why did I have to buy that perfume yesterday when I didn't need it and therefore can't afford to do anything else this week?? WHY AM I SO BAD WITH MY FINANCES? WHY HAVEN'T I LEARNED FROM MY PAST MISTAKES??? Why can't they just say up front they'll pay for me if that's what they're thinking? Is it weird to ask if they're expecting to pay for me or me to pay for myself? How will I afford to pay my electricity bill in India if I spend the same amount I would for a month's electricity on dinner that day? (Electric bill for this month: $17.09. Dinner at a restaurant: $17.09) WHAT TO DO?? TELL ME WHAT TO DO, O WISE BRAIN OF MINE!!!!


I'll just stay home and watch Adventure Time with Finn and Jake or whatever it's called. 


And that's a glimpse of what's going on inside my head when people ask me to "hang out" upon coming back from India.

That's me holding all the money I have in my wallet. 50 rupees is equivalent to $1.09.

I called the Love of my life today finally. After an entire week since that fateful taxi ride to the airport, I called him. Oh how I miss his voice and face and laugh and words and broken English at times. Ahhhh. It is true that old adage: absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or the original saying that came from Roman poet, Sextus Propertius (wonder if that was his real name):

"Always toward absent lovers love's tide stronger flows."

Miss you, Boo.

I seriously need to get into a schedule. I find that if my life is scheduled I make wiser choices. I don't know how I have lost all self-control in my life. I've given up on controlling my surroundings which is fine, that's what God wants I think, but I seem to have also given up on controlling myself when it comes to everything. I don't even know where to begin. You'd think studying the Bible for so long would make me wiser and closer to perfection than ever before, but I am pretty sure it has brought me farther away. Perhaps that's the way wisdom goes. The more you know the more you realize how imperfect you really are. The more I get a hold of what needs to be done, the more I see how far I have fallen, and the more I see how much I need grace. Grace is a huge gift and I have always taken it for granted. I still do, but I am at least starting to see how important it is in my selfish life.

On another, completely un-related note, I'm listening to "Born This Way" by Gaga with my headphones on for the first time and am hearing little background things I have never heard before! And I've listened to this song a billion times. It's pretty cool actually. At the very beginning when she's talking, there's some cello or bass action going on. The harmonies and background vocals sound sweet also, as with the bass drum beat. I don't care what anyone says. I like Lady Gawgs.

But, I won't end with that controversial statement. I'll leave you with this question:

Has there been a time in your life you realized the importance of grace?
Have you ever struggled with self-control?