You Said You'd Lend Me Anything.

Home, sweet home.
I think being home is wonderful! It is not easy though. I caught a cold and from my second day back until now I am sneezing, coughing, going through kleenex boxes like anything, and my main staples each day have become Mucinex, Dayquil and Nyquil. I cannot go on much longer like this.

It sure is wonderful to be with my family again, spending time with my mom, my dad, Justin, and the beautiful newer family that lives in our basement consisting of one of my older brothers, his wife, her daughter, and their new 3 month old baby boy! It's quite wonderful.

I cannot help but wonder sometimes am I really making the right choice in choosing India? Am I really just choosing India or am I choosing God? I believe it's both. Sure, living in India for the rest of my life terrifies me. I constantly find myself thinking about finances for a married couple in the mission field in India, then I think what about getting older and all those doctor appointments that are so necessary in the US but I don't know that they even have them in India. Where will I have children and how will I raise them? Coming home is good because my family is asking a lot of good questions, but it is also very hard because it is making me second guess decisions and committments. I just keep praying God will continue to give me grace in certain situations and peace about the future.

I still cannot officially say what the future holds, but I can write it here for all to read soon! A lot of you already know, but nothing is official yet.

I am looking forward to my next two months at home to study, prepare, and really just rest in the presence of God. It will be good to clear my head and heart and get my focus straight again.

His Truth is Marching On

Last year, 2009, I titled it the "Year of Hope" and looking back on it I was spot on. I received hope that I can dig deeper into God's character every single day and still learn more and more. The hope that I alone found in his words and movements were grand, and if you throw in the hope I was constantly surrounded by in my classmates and wonderful friends while in India you might say it was raining hope all day every day. When I got home I had the hope of going back to India, the hope that my pursuit of God would continue even after arriving home and being removed from that structure and intensity SBS provided. I soon realized I need that structure and intensity to get anything done. As much as I always told myself I hate structure, schedules, and any sort of studying, I actually needed that stuff in order to flourish. I also discovered that maybe I would love leading others to His truth. I want to be apart of spreading the good news across the globe. So now my hope is for that. I hope to show others my love for Christ in all that I do or say (or don't say) and I hope to see every single person I come across through God's eyes of love, even when I look in the mirror. I also hope that this year's new theme proves true in the end when I again get to look back and reflect on 2010. The hope I realized in 2009 has pushed me to this year, and I decided to call this year the "Year of Love."

When it all comes down to it, our life on this planet is really about love. Loving God, loving ourselves, and loving everyone else. If that alone is done, it is enough. How do I love properly? Is there even a proper way to do it? The only example I choose to live by is Christ, and looking at his life I am far from that sort of love. So, with the hope from last year backing me up, I press on towards the goal of love. I don't mean romantic love. I don't need or want to fall in love with a man right now. Especially in the coming season of teaching in India for two years. I want to love my family, I want to love my co-workers, I want to love the customers that come into work, I want to love the other drivers on the road. I do not want to be known as the family member or friend who is the "world traveler" I want to be known as the family member or friend who loves. I want people to be fascinated by Christ's love through me so that they start asking questions and seeking God because of it. I cannot do this on my own. It is so hard for me to love certain people. So, with Jesus as my example and the Holy Spirit as my guide and God always with me, I'm going to try to catch a glimpse of what love really is.

In other news, a friend of mine and I are trying to put together a benefit concert in May for her non-profit and also for a missionary traveling to India (a.k.a. me) and so keep your Sundays open in mid-to late May, and if you have experience or any ideas on how to put together a benefit event or want to help us plan it, you are more than welcome to share your ideas and thoughts. We are both new to this kind of thing and have no idea what we're doing.

I am still looking for a different job or a few jobs on the side, so keep your eyes and ears open for any money-making opportunities and pass them on to me if you can. Also, please pray that I find a higher income or a new job. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a temp-agency type place to hopefully find me a job! Pray that goes well. The direction my current job is going in with new management makes me want to pull my hair out and either break down and cry or strangle someone, so it's not a very healthy environment for me to be working in. Yikes.

Another prayer request I have of you is for the visa situation I am currently in. The tourist visa recently changed its guidelines and if I go in on a tourist visa I have to leave every 6 months (which was always the case) however now I am not able to re-enter India for at least two months whereas previously I could cross the border of Nepal and come back into India the same day. So, for staffing a nine month school I would have to miss two months of it. I am going to apply for a different type of Visa called an Entry Visa, and I need a letter from my base in India saying I'm volunteering there, and then I need to prove that I will have enough finances to last me the two years. Then I believe I'll be able to stay in India for two years without ever having to leave!! I pray that new visa works out and all the information needed comes together easily and the visa center doesn't get suspicious of Kingdom work if you know what I mean.

I set you as a seal upon my heart, as a seal upon my arm

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. - Hebrews 4:16

This week so far in Goa has been the most relaxing and refreshing week of my life. I have never in my 23 years of living set aside an entire week to rest in the Lord. It is the fourth commandment! Resting is mentioned over and over again in the Bible and as Christians I know we feel like now that we live under the "new covenant" we no longer need to rest. That is a part of Moses' law, not our law. How far from the truth can we get?! The author of Hebrews stresses the fact that we still have not entered that rest promised to Israel thousands of years ago. If the rest God promised had truly been conquering the promised land then God would have stopped speaking of rest after Joshua (Hebrews 4:8). We must strive to enter this rest. I regret to say too often I go weeks and weeks without simply taking one day to rest and not do anything that needs to get done. It is especially hard during this school to find time to rest with my Maker. I am thankful that he is always there and when I have time to rest he is more than happy to welcome me into his rest. This week has been accompanied by much needed rest and relaxation. I have been able to sit in silence. I have been able to take a nap whenever I feel the need. I have been blessed beyond measure here in Goa, and I have been here a mere 5 days. I am sad to see this week quickly melt by, but I am leaving with a new attitude. A more pure heart. A strengthened mind. A willingness to study God's word again without complaining (hopefully). I feel prepared for this final quarter. I feel confident in my decision to come home after SBS at least for a season, and I feel confident so far in my decision to come back to India after some things are taken care of back home.

I have stumbled across this beautiful cat here who I have kept in a bag for a little while, and now I am beginning to let people peer inside this bag. I have not let the cat out completely yet, but I think there will be a time and a place for that. Who knows, maybe the cat does not really exist and I am just imagining things and maybe I am letting feelings tell me false realities. However, life is full of surprises and I sure do enjoy surprises.

When I return to home base this weekend schoolwork will begin almost immediately. We will be studying 1 and 2 Kings the first week back, and I am excited because we do not have to do the usual assignment of charting. We will be writing summaries of all the kings in Kings amongst other things... I have thoroughly enjoyed the old testament so far. Especially Moses and David. Reading 1 and 2 Samuel was wonderful and I saw many things I never noticed before in the text and in David and Saul's lives. They were so different, and David had to do a lot of terrified waiting as God's Anointed before he finally received the crown. Even after Saul died David had to wait a long time and run from his own son who usurped the throne from him. Yet David was always forgiving and never held any grudges. What a king David was, and yet he was merely a shadow and a sketch of Christ who is the perfect, ultimate King.

It is funny that I have been praying and praying for finances and God keeps giving me riches that are not of this world. It's not yet time for me to have earthly riches, but as long as I am rich with his blessings I should not have to worry about finances. He certainly is providing other needs. I remember beginning this year with titling it as my "Year of Hope." and I think I have lost sight of that hope I started off this year with. It is nice to take time to remember this and here is a wonderful quote from Henri Nouwen I stumbled across today about hope:

Hope is based on the premise that the other gives only what is good. Hope includes an openness by which you wait for the other to make his loving promise come true, even though you never know when, where or how this might happen.

Pray for finances. I need $353 dollars in one week. I have maybe $70 in my checking account.

Pray for things heard here in Goa to continue ringing in my ears throughout the next 3 months so that I do not lose heart. I tend to lose heart near the end of commitments.

Pray for Diane who runs this retreat center. She is amazing and from Minnesota and consequentially grew up with my mother's family! She has been a HUGE blessing, so pray that she would be blessed and remain healthy.

Pray for Lottie and I to have safe travels back to Pune on Friday night/Saturday morning. We are taking the train and I am a little worried. 12 hours sleeping overnight on a train in India? That does not spell "peace" to me. But God is on my side, what can man do to me?