I was born to kiss your feet

Oh my goodness gracious, 1st quarter is donzo! I have three days left until my much needed 2 week break. I think I might die if it was 9 months continuous of inductive study. Although, word on the street is after 3 months of book after book after book with no rest, once you have rest you do not even know what to do with yourself and you get pretty bored pretty quick.

I feel like sleeping all day every day, so I know it is time for a break.

I am done with Paul's letters. I am actually sad to see him go for my SBS life at least. I got so used to writing his name in my interpretations, I don't know what I'll do when it's never going to be him as author again! We had a good run, Paul and I. He will be missed, and I cannot wait to meet him in heaven! That's going to be so great. Can you imagine writing letters to friends and churches and thousands of years later people are still reading them and God is speaking through them? I mean I always think of me writing a letter to my soul-mate and then, people reading them even one hundred years later won't understand, besides I do not write letters like Paul. I tried once.

I am really going to miss these SBS girls while I am gone. I am so glad they'll all be here when I get back. I will be freezing it up in Nepal and they'll all be in Delhi pretty much. I want to go to Delhi sometime while I am here so I can see the Taj Mahal.

Since my first quarter is coming to a close, I will reflect on thoughts throughout...

I remember when I first arrived here I hated this country and did not like this base solely because no one welcomed me here and I did not meet any of my SBS staff for the first 11 hours I was in this country.

During the first 3 weeks of the inductive study method seminar I felt the school get harder and harder and did not know if I would survive.

Slowly getting to know the other students and realizing how little time I really have for relationships was quite a new experience. I know that after my first 3 months of DTS I knew everyone so well, and in this school there are less students, but I don't know them as well at this point. It's a whole different ball game than DTS. I think I went from the easiest school, which doesn't seem so easy until you do another one, to probably the most intense school YWAM has to offer. What was I thinking?

Something I realized was that I don't know if I ever actually read the Bible before this school! Every book we have done has been like a whole new book to me! Even ones I claimed were some of my favorites!

I am more honest here and open and have told many struggles to people that I never even shared with close friends at home.

God speaks to me through every single book we do. This always comes as a joy and sometimes hard thing to hear.

I don't know if I'll ever want to come home because things in this country are so cheap compared to uh-marica.

I remember being so excited Obama was elected. That was a good day in November.

Slowly falling in love with this country over the last 3 months has truly been a blessing and a funny sight to see. I did not think it would happen.

I realized I have been spiritually oppressed in one area of my life, which actually leaks into all areas of my life, ever since I can remember. That's a hard and huge thing to realize now as an almost 23 year old.

I watched the entire season 3 of The Office in one month here.

It has been so interesting actually getting to know the authors of these books of the Bible and getting to know the audiences of the letters or books. I feel like I actually, personally know Paul. I also feel like I personally know Timothy, and that he is actually my twin brother because we both struggle with the same things. It has been so amazing the last 24 hours studying Matthew. I really feel like I know Jesus more than I ever did, and I think Matthew is my favorite gospel so far. It makes Jesus seem like a real person to me and I think I know more about Judaism now than I ever have, but I haven't even started the Old Testament yet. Oh my goodness. I am in for a treat.

My final highlight...I have grown accustomed to eating more spicy foods than I have ever eaten in my entire life! I love this country! You can't help but acquire a taste for them if that's the only food you're offered. Otherwise I'd starve to death.

Okay, enough reflection. Now onto the future. Tomorrow is our SBS Christmas party and also Sarah's birthday party. I was hoping they'd forget or overlook my b-day, but I was wrong. Also, tomorrow is the day Lottie and I dress up in red Indian dresses and Santa hats and run around this town taking pictures of ourselves everywhere and anywhere. It will be the most fun ever. I tell you what. I will put all the pictures on here once we've finished our day of spreading Christmas cheer in India. Chikki-yeah.

Friday is HIS graduation night (School of Humanities in Science)! It'll be sad to see those guys go on Saturday, but I also get to go on Saturday. To Nepal! I am so excited to see another new country and spend my golden birthday there. This year couldn't get any better. I'll be sure to take plenty of pictures of the mountains of Nepal and the shenanigans that happen while there.

I hope you all have a happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year! I don't know if I'll write again before next year. I cannot believe it's almost 2009. These years are flying by. Thank the good Lord we have not only this life to look forward to but life beyond what we know here. Living in the fullness of his kingdom!

May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all as we celebrate his birth, and my love is with you all.

Take me away, a secret place, a sweet escape, take me away

Even though I myself am white, I find myself staring at other white people in this town just like how the locals stare at me every single day. It fascinates me to see other whiteys here. I want to know why they are here, for how long, where are they staying. Pretty much all the questions we are not supposed to really answer when the locals ask us. Today some random man was asking me why I was here and where I was staying. I had to say I am a tourist and I'm staying at some place around here. Ha cha cha. We need to be safe you know (as I write all about this on the internet of all places).

2nd Corinthians has turned out to be more a favorite of mine than 1st Corinthians. Also, God is stirring up desires in me that I never even considered because I was so opposed to it that I laughed at friends who have been sucked in to these desires. I will share more when and if I ever feel comfortable to share to all. Just know that God might be asking me to do something crazy, and I really don't want to think about it, but He keeps reminding me of it. That's the way he works. He always turns my desires toward his and even though I pray for that to happen most of the time I am never ready for it.

Hebrews is wonderful. I love this book, and after being incredibly angry and frustrated with the fact that we have only 1.5 days of actual work time to complete this rather large book, I realized I'm being a baby, or an infant (as it even says in Hebrews). It is kind of obnoxious though to finally get a book that I actually want to study more in depth, but then have this book be the only one I have no time to do that with. Also, Melchizedek is no small topic, or rather, person.

I am getting so exhausted here. I have two weeks left of this quarter. Time has sure flown by! I keep telling myself, "In 2 weeks I will have time to sleep, in 2 weeks I will have time to relax, in 2 weeks I will have time to breathe." Don't worry, I am not suffocating here. Homework can be overwhelming at times and I hardly ever find time to do the Psalm assignment. I don't know how I will make it through two more quarters of this. Even so, I just keep trucking because in 2 weeks I will get a break. A lengthy break at that. One where I don't have to be in India for a while and can clear my head and not even have to think about charts and structure and builds. It sounds like heaven. Ya'll don't know how lucky you are to have no idea what I am talking about! But, let me just say that I am SO glad I am here right now at this moment and would not want to be anywhere else with anyone else. God is stirring up new ideas inside me and he is healing my heart which I need more than most things right now. More than food and shelter even.

I will miss my fellow class-mates while I am in Nepal trekking around the mountains. I am very thankful I will get to see them all again come January when class starts again. However, I am not happy that the DTS students will go on outreach while I am gone and when I return they will still be on outreach and a new DTS class will start. I love this DTS class and don't want to open my heart to new students, but wait, I will not only get to know a new batch in January-April, but I will get to meet even another DTS class in April! I will go from knowing one half-Indian because he is my cousin, to knowing one billion Indians (yes, the entire population of India) in the span of 9 months.

It will be so strange to be home again in July or August and be surrounded by whiteys wearing scandalous clothes. Oh-merica, you are like the bad boy that I know I should not like, but I can't help but fall in love with you and let you influence all of my life.

I should start listening to Christmas music even though it does not feel or look like Christmas here. Not that Christmas should look white and feel cold, but it is what I am used to.

Blessings to you all, and keep the campus here in your prayers as a lot of change is happening soon with Christmas break and the DTSers going on outreach. That is going to be very challenging for them, so if you think about it say a prayer for the DTS students about to get dirty and about to experience real work for the Lord! HA ha ha ha ha. I am excited to hear their stories when they come back from outreach.

You have her pictures everywhere

Those are all from local outreach. Sorry the first one of me in my Salwar Kameez is blurry...that's all I got.

And also some from the Princess Party, Romesh and I (fellow SBS students), and an elderly begger in Pune.

I feel like I am watching everything from space

Last night we had a Princess Party! All the girls were able to be princesses for one night and wear sleeveless dresses, and show some leg! Ha. It was a lot of fun. We danced for a long time, ate a lot of good food, and watched a funny movie, then danced some more! All in all, it was a really fun night filled with laughter and love. It was nice to not have any guys around so we could just have fun and not swim around in self-conscienceness. We were confident, beautiful, and attractive, without men telling us so.

I wanted to put up pictures of my local outreach, but the uploader is not working at the moment, so I'll just describe it for you. The last few weeks we have been able to go to a new part of the area we were in. It is actually quite far from the rest of our group, but it is in a literal "slum". This was my first week going to this new area and it was very um...eye opening, or I don't really know what word to use to describe it, but the best I can do is say that my heart drops in my chest a little bit and I am instantly filled with compassion and sorrow all at the same time. These people are living in what looks like tents, but they're made of sticks, tarps, and random cloth they have. There are entire families living in these small tents. We also could not really communicate with the children we played with. They all spoke Marati which is the state's language that we are in right now. India has a bunch of different states like the U.S. and each state has its own common language and in some states the different tribes even have their own language, Hindi is the whole country's common language, and with these children only one spoke Hindi and he was too shy to translate for us to the rest of the kids, so it was a little difficult, but they had fun playing Duck, Duck, Goose with us and we taught them a few Hindi songs even though they have no idea what they're singing (nor do I).

You all must be wondering where exactly I am located in regards to Mumbai. I am a 2 hour drive away, and it is quite frightening to think that all that terror is happening a mere 2.5 hour train ride away. One of the attacks was at a train station I will be going to in 3 weeks and all in a city I will be in 3 weeks from now. This kind of thing has been happening often throughout the past decade or more but they say this time it was a lot more thought out and planned. Pray for India, that as awful as this is it would bring the country together and unify the people of different states and tribes. Also, pray for the terrorists that their hearts would be softened and they would give themselves up even if that means they will be killed.

1st Corinthians a.k.a. The Book of Love, or as I titled it, "All You Need is Love" is quite a difficult letter to interpret. There are a million different interpretations for pretty much every paragraph, even every verse in this letter. It's a nice letter though because the Corinthian culture is probably the most closely related to our culture and so all the applications are pretty true to us today. What I have learned from Corinthians? Repent! Repenting is a hard thing to do. It's easy to confess your sin, but to actually repent, turn around, walk the other way from your sin, that is most hard. Usually I confess yet continue walking in the same direction I have been traveling. Also, of course, God showed me my lack of love in certain areas of my life, toward certain people in my life.

This week I was informed of some pretty intense news of family back home. It is hard to be here during this time when it seems like it would be so much better to be home with my family, but I know God has called me here, now, for His purpose. It is like I am forced to apply Jesus' quote, "whoever leaves father, mother, brother, sister for me etc..." Not that I am abandoning my family by being here, but I truly am putting Jesus in the top spot in my life. Needless to say, I have had a small blow to my eagerness to do my homework this week, but no worries, I did complete all of it, except for the Psalms homework, that is a difficult predicament. I don't set aside time during the days to read a Psalm a day (pretty pathetic, I know) then, on Saturday I have to read 5 psalms and meditate on them all and basically it boils down to doing it because it is an assignment instead of doing it to hear God's voice, so this week I am choosing not to do them. I am not here to get good grades.

Here I am at the local hot spot for coffee. Cafe Coffee Day. Unfortunately, there are no Starbucks in the whole of India. Although I've heard rumors there could be one in Delhi, but no one knows if that is a fact. So far, my experiences in India have only been growing in goodness, and in the spirit of Thanksgiving I think I will make a list of all the things I am thankful for here, now:

My mother, she is completely supportive of everything I do and always encourages me more than anyone I have ever known.
My dad, he loves me no matter what I do, even when I get my nose pierced without telling him. He has a giant heart.
My brothers, yes, all five of them. I could go into specifics with each one, but I will say that they all look out for me and I know they got my back no matter what.
American boys in my school. Especially the Titus staff. I think that if they weren't here I would have gone home by now.
My beautiful English friend, she is an inspiration and quickly has become an old friend.
I am thankful that I have girls here I can spill out my insides to and they will surround me and lift me up and sit with me in the dirt if that's all I need.
Rickshaws, they are so amazing!
Stray dogs everywhere that remind me of Peaches the wonder-pet.
Staff that encourage me to not focus on the grade, but ultimately apply what I have been reading and listen to the Spirit.
DTS students that seem to be more mature than me. It is humbling, which I need most all the time.
The familiar staff of Coffee Day. They are so friendly, and the only Indians that don't think I'm out of place here.
God's provision, even when I am not looking for it or praying for it, He continues to bless me and I do not deserve it.
Forgiveness.
My new mobile phone even though it won't receive text messages from Airtel.
Michael Scott, Jim Halpert, Pam Beasley, Dwight Schrute, and all other members of Dunder Mifflin. They are the only ones keeping me sane here!
God's heart for this country. I think it's rubbing off on me.
Milk in a box on the shelf in the store! That's right.
Cool nights and cool mornings.
All in all, I am so thankful that I am in India of all places, studying the inspired words of God with all these wonderful Indians and foreigners. I do not feel out of place at all. In fact, I feel like I belong more than ever. I am thinking I could live here as long as I am with someone I love. I could live anywhere as long as I was with someone I loved.

I cannot believe there are 3 weeks left of the first quarter! I thought this school would take forever, but looks like time seems to have sped up since I have been here. I only hope that it slows down so that I have more time for homework and more time to pass out from exhaustion. Not even physical exhaustion! I cannot believe how tired I am all the time. It is surreal.


Pray God begins to direct my desires to his desires. I want to know the next step after this school, and I have some ideas but I want them to be his ideas. Also, I am struggling with forgiveness and fear right now. I do not even understand my own self all of the time.

Wow, this was long. This is what happens when I don't write for awhile and finally I have a long length of time to update.

I found a hair the length of yours on my sleeve

I love India most of the time, but sometimes there are moments that make me dislike India more than anything at that moment. I am not going to go on a complaining spree right now, so I will spare you the details, just know that sometimes India is annoying.

Yesterday I travelled to Pune with two Norwegians, a Brit, and a Goan. I spent the entire day with the Norwegians and we did some Christmas shopping and also ate burgers at Burger King. Now, this is not the normal Burger King you are all familiar with, this is a small restaurant owned by a Persian man that sells burgers. Hamburgers, steak burgers, chicken burgers, and of course Veg burgers. I was SO excited to eat a cheeseburger that I ordered the "big" one. He asked if I wanted small or big and I said big. Little did I realize the "big" or "king" burger as they called it was HUGE. It was bigger than my face and I could barely eat half of it along with the french fries he thought I needed.

All in all, shopping in Pune was fairly productive. We spent a lot of our time in rickshaws trying to get around from place to place, but it was fun and even somewhat exciting to go around the city without a native. I realized that I could travel around a big city like Pune alone. Not that I ever would, but I could. I don't know if I could or would attempt the local train alone, however. It is almost getting to the point where I cannot handle the beggers here. They are either beautiful, elderly people who can barely walk, or small, small children dressed in rags. It is hard to ignore them, and we found out yesterday that if you do give them something they'll only try and get more out of you. I do not know what to do in these situations. I know we are to remember the poor and help the orphans and widows and make poverty history and etcetera. BUT, this is almost ridiculous. I want to see Jesus here in Pune and see what he would do in these situations so that I know what I should do. It is very hard for me. I think it is the most difficult thing about India.

I don't know if I will ever feel well rested during SBS. I am about to collapse as I type this and the day is just starting. I have to print out some music, practice with our small SBS band for worship on Monday morning, clean my stuff in my room, read 1 Corinthians out-loud in one sitting, make paragraph titles, finish the rough horizontal, clean my whole room thoroughly, then I might have to finish my rough horizontal if I did not get it done before cleaning the entire room, after that I think I'm free, but it'll be roughly dinner time and THEN I can go to bed early...maybe, only to wake up early and have all the stress of leading the entire base in worship. Just perfect! Oh, how I can't wait to relax at Christmas time which actually, probably, won't even happen if I am going to be climbing up mountains for 7 days.

I am somewhat developing post-SBS plans in the far, far back corners of my mind. Please pray that God would make it clear what I am supposed to do, if anything, after SBS.

God is really working on my heart in the area of forgiveness. There is one person in my life that is the absolute hardest person for me to forgive, and for some reason God keeps reminding me of this person, not through little things that remind me of this person, but through the Bible! Never have I ever been reminded of a person because of words that I read in the Bible. Granted they are words of forgiveness and other things that aren't necessarily good words to remind you of someone, but they do, and so there I am with this thought of forgiveness in my head, yet remembering exactly what this person has done over and over again. That is a hard process of thought. Forgiveness is a hard thing to do with some people.

This week is Thanksgiving week! It is my favorite holiday of the whole year I think. Well, second favorite next to Christmas. I actually get to go have a Chicken dinner at the DTS leaders' home with most of the Americans on base! I am quite excited about it!

Santa Claus is coming, hear the banjo strumming

There are only 2 weeks left of November! How time flies when you are knee deep in Biblical texts. Thanksgiving is next week and I am excited because I was invited to eat at the DTS leader's home that evening for their own "Thanksgiving for the Americans in India" dinner! We'll most likely be eating Chicken, but hey, it's close enough for me. Praise God I was able to eat Thanksgiving Dinner before I came to India. As much as I hate the NFL I do miss Sunday afternoons taking a nap on the couch with the soft sound of the Football announcers on TV and my Mom screaming at the TV in the background.

What God has shown me from Romans cannot possibly be contained in this blog, but I shall attempt to reveal to you the mysteries revealed to me through this letter of Paul to the saints in Rome.

I will start off with the very thing God showed me before I even really dug into this book. You already read my previous entry about how I realized, I mean really realized I am not any different than any other human being that has ever lived. After that revelation and after finishing all my assignments I saw that this very point is included in Romans (14:10-12). The entire topic of judging actually hit me pretty hard this week.

I think the major thing God showed me though is something he revealed to our teacher this week, Sam, during his SBS in Montana. God does not want us to even desire sin. Sure, it sounds simple enough, but I guess I never really thought about this or even tried to desire the things of God, the things of the Spirit, things that are good for Him, not for me.

I mean, I always felt like I would always desire sin and as long as I don't act on those desires I was okay, but now I think God gets hurt when I desire sin and not Hims. Even if I don't act on it. It's like a husband telling his wife that at work all day he desired to be with so many of the women he saw on the street and in the office, but he wanted to remain faithful to his wife so he did not act on any of his desires. I think God is like the wife in this situation. She'd be angry, jealous, and upset her husband shared this with her, and she would want him to only desire her, not all those other woman! Who cares if he didn't act on his desires!!


The whole of 13:1-7 reminded me of our new president and many "Christian's" horrible attitudes and lack of submission to the new governing authority. Paul wrote this passage when Nero was Caesar! Can you imagine? Nero! "Submit to the governing authorities, they are God's servants, instituted by God." He was telling these Christians to submit to Nero, the guy who persecuted Christians like crazy. And also, what is so bad about sharing everything anyway, have these "Christians" even read Acts or heard of the Year of Jubilee? Why do people assume our country is going to become socialist all of a sudden? Every year people get so upset over the new president. Well, read Romans people. Who are we to judge our brothers and sisters?

Okay, enough about that, I am really falling in love with India. I feel like I write about this topic every entry, but it is what I am seeing and feeling and experiencing here. I love every minute of it. I really know this is where I belong at this season in my life. India is my home. God really blessed me today with some amazing news that I was not expecting, and now I can live out the rest of my day praising His name and thanking Him for being a provider!

I had another revelation during work duty on Friday. God often shows me things while I am sweeping the driveway. I remember reading in The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, that whenever a box of shoes would come in as a donation for the people she worked with she would go through all the pairs of shoes before anyone else and pick out the smallest, most uncomfortable pair and keep those for herself so that no one else would have to wear them. Now you are probably thinking, "what does this have to do with sweeping the driveway?" So I am going to tell you! We have been sweeping the driveway for 1.5 months now and the brooms, which are just a bunch of long sticks tied together, are falling apart and losing sticks, so some are worse off than others. I realized after I started sweeping and seeing my friend struggle with the worst broom, that I should have taken that broom first so that no one else had to use it.

Here I am listening to Christmas music and wishing I could be home for Christmas. Having a white Christmas would be so wonderful, but perhaps in Nepal there will actually be snow in the mountains! That would be nice, but you'll probably hear on the news, "23 year old woman found dead, buried in the snow in Nepali mountains. Friends say a 7 day trek was too much for her."

Happy Mid-November! I hope you all remembered, remembered the 5th of November.

I won't mistake you for problems with me

It is so bizarre to see little boys walking around carrying cricket rackets or bats, whatever you call them. I see them and immediately think they're baseball bats, but no, it's a cricket paddle. I'm not sure what they're called, but you know what they look like.

We are studying Romans this week. Let me tell you that after my first out loud reading of it on Sunday afternoon I immediately realized God is going to speak to me immensely through this book and I am not even ready for it. I am almost afraid to dive in because I know He is going to say a lot and it might hurt a lot, but I know I will need to hear it. All things he says to me will work together eventually for good. (Romans 8:28)

I challenge you all to count how many times the word "law" is said in Romans. Try to do it for "faith" and "sin" also. This is just one of the million words Paul repeats in this book. It is crazy. Welcome to the life of an SBS student.

It is really funny that God told me he was going to speak to me a lot through this book, because at the beginning of our class today the teacher put a quote on the screen by FF Bruce and it said this: "there is no saying what may happen when people begin to study the letter Romans, so let those who have read thus far be prepared for the consequences of reading farther: you have been warned!" This is in a commentary's introduction to Romans! It is like God repeated his warning to me. Not so much a warning, but an FYI.

Also, this morning, the DTS speaker shared a small devotion with us and the only thing I remember, that really stuck with me was that there are two major things that block the joy of the Lord, and one of them is self-pity. I thought, "welcome to my life!" when she said that. Why should I think I deserve better than anything I am given? I don't even deserve the small things I get. I am not better than anyone else in this entire world! I think Sufjan Stevens says it best in his song "John Wayne Gacy Jr." for those of you who don't know, this guy Sufjan wrote the song about was a serial killer. He would dress up as a clown and pick up men or boys in his car, bring them back to his house and kiss them, you get the idea, then he would kill them and put their bodies under his house. Under his floorboards. So, in the end of Sufjan's song the lyrics are as follows:

He took off all their clothes for them,
he put a cloth on their lips,
quiet hands, quiet kiss on the mouth.
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him.
Look beneath the floorboards
for the secrets I have hid.

I am no different than John Wayne Gacy Jr. I am no different than Barack Obama. I am no different than George Bush. I am just like Saddam Hussein. I am just like Mother Teresa.

I really have fallen in love with this country and the people here, although I am a little wary of going on local outreach still. Even though last week was fine, and I actually don't have to do much because they only speak Hindi and I cannot do this. I am uncomfortable there, but what I learned today is that I cannot have a self-pity party about my uncomfortableness! I am here for a purpose. I was placed, and still am placed, in this small town for a reason. It's not just coincidence that I am here, that I have met these new friends. I already have lifelong friends here. I already have changed here. I have just begun to be an instrument in this country. I am looking forward to looking back and seeing how my heart has changed and healed. A lot of healing needs to happen and a lot of forgiveness needs to happen, but I am actually looking forward to digging into these hurtful situations because I know something better, and more beautiful will be put in their places.

All that to say, ya'll should read Romans this week. I've already read it twice, and I'm about to go for a third! It is life changing, much like the entire rest of the Bible, but it would be awesome to change lives together on separate continents through the same words.

Pray for me this week that I receive what God wants to show me with openness and joy. That I would not feel depressed like I did last week. It was debilitating.